Reconsidering god

Dennise Gackstetter

I cannot believe

in the god that lurks

in the tall tales

on the dark crowded pages

shuttered between heavy covers

of tarnished gilded books.

The god I could

believe in would

dance in the wide margins,

skipping from white space

to white space until

the page’s edge, and then

with arms wide

take an elegant leap

into the unknown.

I cannot even use

the word “god.”

It is too small a word

to contain all the

possibilities of divinity.

It is a stony sounding word,

bounded at both ends

by two hard consonants

that strain to compress

the small “o” that is

an exhale of delight,

the “ahhhh” of wonder,

the first sound of joy.

"Reconsidering god" was first published in Blue Mesa Review.  For years, I sought to understand the possibilities of divinity in this world. After exploring many kinds of religious theories and spiritual beliefs, I left the idea of “god” behind. The path led me back to the muck and mud of our own humanity as the place where holiness arises. I understand now that our ability to open and transform ourselves is the truest expression of divinity. This poem was a breakthrough because it was the first poem that I ever had accepted for publication. This gave me a boost of encouragement that has kept me growing as a writer.