Living Room
Andrea Hollander
In the cave of memory my father
crawls now, his small carbide light
fixed to his forehead, his kneepads
so worn from the journey they’re barely
useful, but he adjusts them
again and again. Sometimes
he arches up, stands, reaches, measures
himself against the wayward height
of the ceiling, which in this part of the cave
is at best uneven. He often hits his head.
Other times he suddenly
stoops, winces, calls out a name,
sometimes the pet name he had
for my long-dead mother
or the name he called his own.
That’s when my stepmother tries
to call him back. Honeyman, she says,
one hand on his cheek, the other
his shoulder, settling him
into the one chair he sometimes stays in.
There are days she discovers him
curled beneath the baby grand,
and she’s learned to lie down with him.
I am here, she says, her body caved
against this man who every day
deserts her. Bats, he says, or maybe,
field glasses. Perhaps he’s back
in France, 1944, she doesn’t know.
But soon he’s up again on his knees,
shushing her, checking his headlamp,
adjusting his kneepads, and she rises
to her own knees, she doesn’t know
what else to do, the two of them
explorers, one whose thinning
pin of light leads them, making
their slow way through this room
named for the living.
Previously published in RUNES, and winner of the RUNES Poetry Prize, selected by Jane Hirshfield, "Living Room" is included in my third full-length collection, Woman in the Painting (Autumn House, 2006) and in Landscape with Female Figure: New and Selected Poems, 1982 - 2012 (Autumn House, 2013.)
Witnessing my father's years-long death from Alzheimer's was overwhelmingly heartbreaking, but observing his wife's unwavering care for him during those sad, difficult twelve years gave me unexpected peace; her compassion and deep love were motivations for this poem. Though I'd written about his disease in other poems, not until I found the perfect analogy of spelunking (a breakthrough), was I able to create this poem that honors both my father and my stepmother.
ANDREA HOLLANDER is the author of six full-length poetry collections and has received number awards, including two Pushcart Prizes for poetry and literary non-fiction, and two fellowships from the National Endownment for the Arts.